it ended too soon. two and a half hours of singing and swaying with ten thousand other people, joy on their faces even when chorusing melancholy verses, was simply not enough. and i realized this morning, the songs still in my head, that it opened a flood gate i've been sandbagging for awhile now.
i miss my friends. i miss them terribly. for the first time, since we said goodbye to eric and terry on the fourth of january, i was with a group of people--an immense one--that shared something very passionately in common. i wasn't prepared for that to happen. it was wonderful, and it was heartbreaking, because today i feel very alone.
i didn't want that concert to end, willing one more song, sending my heart out on every lyric sung with everyone around us. but it had to close, just like every email or phone call or comment i receive, leaving me happy and sad at the same, bittersweet time.
finding friends has been so hard here, making more acute my awareness of the ones i have and love fiercely, very far away. i almost unbearably miss my conversations with rachel, with coffee at hand and the new york times spread across the living room floor. i miss stepping into aida's art room in the late afternoon, sitting on those small benches around the large, low table and making plans, plans for things to see. i miss ashley and sandra and bethany, and their laughter and loveliness, and the way they make everything seem so special. i miss sitting in central park with beth, saving a shady spot for friends before opera becomes free for the evening masses. i miss dinners with hilary, and those movies in bryant park, and her healing, loving, musically cadenced voice. i miss beer with all of the most dear-to-my-heart men at the czech, picnic-tabled beer garden. i miss karaoke. i miss kc's sharp, dry wit. and i miss so many other people and their charms who filled my life with big, big happiness. i miss having the freedom to see erin for a weekend, or carissa, nancie, christi and tim, or maeve and allison and vicky. i miss wine tasting with hugo and alexandra, i miss everyone at buckley, and i miss those book groups with becky and suzanne, and cheese fests with aliki and tara. and even those who i haven't lived close to in years and years and years, i miss them more, too. and i miss my mom and dad.
patricio is my best friend. he's my media naranja. he bought me a pair of binoculars to see the stage better; he is more than i ever dared ask for. but somehow, over the course of 29 years, introversion couldn't keep me from loving a lot of people very, very deeply, and their physical distance is harder on me than i imagined it would be by now. because my "now" is in a place where it takes a long time to get anywhere, to go to a workshop, to attend a lecture, to find a place to volunteer. and most of the time, i'm happier to stay at home and let the internet keep me connected.
last night, though, i was reminded how meaningful personal contact is, how much friendship helps me define who i am, and how, in spite of my daily gratefulness for getting to be with and love my husband every day, i yearn for a web of friends here. last night showed me that they are out there.
the last song cerati sang before the curtain closed was one called, "puente"--a love song, not necessarily about a lover. he sang it to the crowd. we sang it back, and i sing it's magic to all my friends, past, present, and future.
here's the translation. if you want, you can click here to hear him sing as you read:
today i searched for you in the rhyme that sleeps with every word. if i kept something quiet, it is because i understood everything except distance. i rearranged your atoms in order to make you appear. one more day, one more day...above, the sun. below, it's reflection. see how my soul is bursting. now you're here, and the step we took: it's cause and it's effect. cross over the love, i'll cross my fingers. and thank you for coming, thank you for coming. adorable bridge created between the two of us. cross over the love, i'll cross my fingers. and thank you for coming, thank you for coming. adorable bridge, cross over the love, over the bridge. use that love, use that love, as a bridge.